Some comments: I was really waiting for Friday, to get the photo prompt. Then it came early(?) and I was not in a rush to post my story 🙂
The (few) times I have written flash fiction before, it has been fairly easy – getting it done within minutes and in a few drafts. This time I had to think quite a bit (yes, I am capable of thought – or so I think) and I had to cut out some ideas to fit the 100-word limit.
Also, I noticed that the (few) times I have written flash fiction before, I have had little or no actual dialogue in the stories. After reading a few stories from the excellent Friday Fictioneers, I decided to ensure I had dialogue in this one.
Also, I managed to not exceed 100 words 🙂
Your comments are very welcome and much appreciated even if I do not manage to respond to each one individually.
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This week’s story page is here http://www.madison-woods.com/Wordpress/101912-2/
Photo courtesy of Ron Pruitt
It took a lot of effort not to jostle.
“I told you someone would come,” said Carla.
“Yeah. Good thing I didn’t set off with Harold”
“Do you think he made it?”
“I don’t know. If he moved fast enough, he may just have reached the next town before night fell. But if he didn’t, him alone against them…” he trailed off.
“That’s why you wanted to go with him.”
“Partly. Two or more of us would stand a better chance.”
The bus drove out of the now uninhabited town.
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Baba Amor's Thoughts 
Abraham, I had a similar thought originally, one of several that came and went before the one I finally used. You used the dialogue well and it makes your story more personal.
If you want to save some words to use elsewhere, you could say, “It took an effort not to jostle”, same idea, less words, or even “It took considerable effort”, still saving one word.. And you could use “didn’t” instead of “did not”, which sounds more as people actually talk and saves you several more words. Not saying any of those things are bad, but you’d have four more words. 🙂
Thanks Janet.
I think I left it as it is because the ideas I had cut out would need many more words, and I was already within the limit.
I have changed the ‘did not’ to “didn’t” (though I do use the long form in my speech from time to time, for fun 🙂 )
My word count keeps giving me different results.
Janet makes some good points here. I would remove “a lot of” not even sure if I would add the “an” So the sentence would read “It took effort not to jostle” …I may be breaking some rule but to me the sentence sounds better with out the extras….of course being a New Yorker I would grunt if it was a quicker way to communicate and I knew I was being understood.
Tom
Efficiency, eh? 🙂
You bet…who has time?
Very good take on the prompt
My story had a similar thought. A dialogue driven one was interesting. Have to try that some time.
Hi Abraham,
Liked the way you subtly developed this story, giving hints without being obvious, revealing the severity of the situation at the very end. Well done! Ron
Thanks!
I made deliberate effort not to be obvious. 🙂
I’m curious – you took this photo? If so, the Friday Fictioneers have done all sorts of things to your friend(?) 🙂
I hope Harold made it. It is a challenge to distill a whole story to 100 words. I spent almost all day yesterday writing, rewriting, moving sentences, deleting them. It’s a learning process. Glad you’re part of it, Abraham. Your good dialogue makes me want to know more.
Thanks.
I felt cheated when I learn that the text editor I was using gave me an inflated word count 😦
Okay… lots to digest here…
p.s. don’t sweat the word count…
A really good hook here, it made me want to find out more. Nicely done. Agree about the speech contractions – ‘did not’ sounds much too formal in everyday dialogue, unless it’s making an emphasis. Good one.
Zombies?! I do hope so. As for word count, we’re just practising brevity here, or at least I am. Nothing bad happens if you exceed 100. For what it’s worth, Word tells me you’re using 91 words.
Yes, 91 words, as I discovered after leaving out juicy(?) pieces. The text editor I was using had said 99 or 98 words.
Well done, I really liked this. The sense of menace is almost tangible. 🙂
Thanks!
Enjoyed this. Want to know more.. Why did he go alone? Did he make it? Was he safe? Tip: Use this as a learning process. You’re getting some wise advice here. I learn something new every week.
True!
Curious to know who came–and what happened to his/her predecessor. Good story.
ok, so we have to wonder if harold made it and what harold is trying to get away from. i say vampires.
“Them” 😀
I thought that worked. I usually write mine and then cut out extra words much like a news paper reporter would do.
But you left me with the questions, what got them? When you leave people wanting to know more, your 100 words have been effective.
Not the escape I first pictured, so it’s even more impressive how much you revealed in that snippet of conversation. Nice!
Dear Abraham,
The dialog was good, the story tight and precise. I want to read more and I want to visit that uninhabited town.
Aloha,
Doug
Thanks Doug.
If you visit the town, you may want to go as a group, and carry weapons 🙂